Two Weeks in Limbo

Status Update

"Neutrophils" by Dr Graham Beards - Own work.
Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 - Wikimedia Commons 

For the last two weeks, I've been in chemo limbo. Because of the terrible, horrible no good, very bad worst chemo I have ever experienced two weeks ago, my bloodwork came in far too low last week.  My white blood count was low, my neutrophils were bordering on dangerously low. Chemo would be dangerous under these circumstances.  

I was told we would wait a week. I was so very unhappy, because my whole life is on hold for this chemo, and this would delay my return further.  I tried to adjust my attitude and look at this like a vacation:  I could eat more normally again, and I felt generally better.  So much better, I was sure this week's numbers would be stellar.

They were far worse:

• My white blood count is lower.
• My red blood count is lower and the cells look anemic.
• My neutrophils (the infection-fighting white blood cells) suggest that my immune system is in full crash mode: from .8 last week to .2 this week.

My doctor has delayed me for another week. Her nurse told me that she lowered the dosage of my chemo.

"Did she lower the Abraxane or the Cytoxan?  I was doing well on the Abraxane, but I think got very, very sick from the Cytoxan."

"The Abraxane."

"Really? Because I handle the Abraxane just fine. But I'm not sure I have the courage to do another round of Cytoxan. I think it nearly killed me."

I will see the doctor face to face, next week.  Until then, I remain in limbo:

• I may not go out in public at all.
• I may not peel my own fruit, and only fruit with peels or fruit that has been cooked are allowed.
• I can't have raw vegetables, either.
• I can't pick up after my dog.
• I shouldn't clean my house, especially, ahem, certain areas.
• Lady Macbeth and I should have red, raw hands from all that washing.

I'm pretty sure I didn't sign up for all of this. I am in deep doubt that I am doing the right thing. I fear long term side effects, like the leukemia that some patients experience post-chemo.  My body may be signaling me.

But that one in four recurrence number...it's just so high. I need to screw my courage to the sticking place, for sure, next week.

How do you screw your courage to the sticking place? Let me know in the comments, on Twitter, Facebook or Inspire.com.