Since so many have privately messaged me, I guess I need to update you all. I am one and a half weeks into the Xeloda, and the fevers have disappeared, the bone pain has disappeared, and the visible cancer is clearly improving. All good news.
Xeloda has lots of its own side effects. One of them is extreme exhaustion. I have to be on guard for that hand-foot syndrome. But I have to say I am feeling better overall. It's remarkable.
That leaves me with a scary thought: what if the pain and fevers weren't the Kadcyla, but actually the cancer itself, just like I speculated in my Rubicon post? My NP even graciously hinted at that.
Did I just dodge a bullet? Believe me, I felt like I might be getting close to something. I spent days in bed. I certainly noticed my thoughts turning toward...other things. Even now, I wish I did have lots of energy, because I would like to take care of my "stuff." I have lots of junk, I need to get it in order. Or in the trash. It all just seems like stuff. I'd still rather have the energy to travel instead.
I know I need to feel grateful for the save, but at the same time, I'm just so surprised. That seemed to come out of the blue for me. I'm glad I'm better, but I guess I can't assume that I will be at any given moment. I aim to be here for years, but aims and reality aren't always in concert.
Despite how much I know, despite my own activist approach, I still feel like I'm being dragged along on this journey, kicking and screaming. I am no hero, believe me.
We did get a quick fall trip in, which had its own adventure. We are planning some big changes for the holidays. I need to see my daughter. I need to be warmer. We're going to have to navigate how this all works out. More logistics. More back and forth, trying to figure doctors and medications. But I need to do these things.
I'm also on my full disability now. At least, I hope so; it hasn't all kicked in. Slowly but surely, we are working on the new normal.
Have I thanked you for your love and support? I really should. Thank you. Love you all.